A couple of evenings ago, I found myself watching a YouTube video by a girl (no, not girl, woman!) I’ve been following on and off for the past decade. She and her boyfriend were announcing they were expecting their first child.
I found myself grinning from ear to ear for the entire 30-ish minutes. And I kept on grinning as I went to brush my teeth, and take care of the day’s washing. They were just so incredibly happy and excited.
The video also took me back to their first videos I watched, very pregnant at the time, lounging away the days before giving birth. James walked in on me doing a bit of a jig in the laundrette, hugging one of his sweaters like a madwoman.
Naturally, we got to talking about those days of innocence and inexperience, and how ignorant we used to be. How we literally had no idea what was about to happen to us, even though we were by no means kids anymore.
Which has made me wonder – why don’t parents speak up more about what parenting really is like. Why do we all keep posting our highlight reels? Why do we never vocalize the less than wonderful parts of raising kids? Are we so afraid we’d get judged as bad parents?
And I do realize that’s exactly what I’m probably letting myself in for by writing these words. I realize there may be some judgement.
However, I’m going to write about it nevertheless, as the conversation needs to be opened up, and we need to be more real about parenting in its more unpleasant and triggering forms.
The less we sugarcoat it, the better prepared future parents will be for what awaits them.
So, I sat down with James over a glass of wine, and we came up with our personal list of the 10 truths we wish we’d known before becoming parents. In no particular order, they are as follows:
1 – Pregnancy is a lonely affair
Even though you are both about to become parents, only one of you is actually pregnant. And no matter how thoughtful and genuinely incredible your partner is, you will feel very lonely a lot of the time. Especially during your first pregnancy.
The partner who is not pregnant will feel just as lonely in their own way. They won’t feel like they have a real connection with their child. They’ll feel helpless as they watch you throwing up. They’ll be in agony when you are in pain.
And while talking about it (both with each other and your friends and family) helps a lot, there will still be nights where you really do feel alone, even as you’re lying next to each other in bed.
My best piece of advice is just to accept this unpleasant and unwelcome feeling, as it won’t ever completely go away. Others will often overshadow it, and while you may be stuck with some variation of it for as long as you live, you do get a bit more used to it over the years.
2 – Our parents are actual superheroes
You will gain a newfound respect for your own parents (provided that they were a positive force in your life). No matter how much you may have already appreciated them, having your own kids will make you realize just how amazing they actually are.
And they did all that without the internet, without Pampers, without speed dial, without Deliveroo.
3 – Your friends will stop texting and calling
When you first have the baby, everyone will want to congratulate you, see pictures, talk about the baby. They’ll bring stuff round, they’ll offer to lend a hand. All that will however stop at one point .
Especially if your friends don’t have kids of their own. They’ll think it best to leave you to settle in, and they won’t actually know how to be your friends now that you have a whole new role in your life. Friends who’ve had babies will understand your need to socialize better, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be any more present.
Don’t resent them for making this choice. Have an open and honest conversation, and tell them what it is they can do for you (if anything), and what it is you are available for in future. You don’t have to pause your relationship just because you are focusing on another one. And while your main focus will of course be your child and your partner, find the time to see and call friends too. I promise it helps your mental state.
But do accept that some friendships will change forever.
4 – There will be times when you wish it was still just the two of you
And the first time this thought pops into your head, you’ll hate yourself like you never have before.
It’s okay. We’ve all been there. You don’t really mean it like that. You are exhausted, your life has been uprooted and you feel inadequate. It’s okay to feel resentful. That doesn’t for a second mean you don’t love your child. It just means you are human, fallible, and that you can’t be expected to be 100% positive 100% of the time.
5 – Google is your enemy
Whatever Google may be telling you, it’s lying. Stop asking it for help. It can’t help. It’s a malicious and evil creation that will add fuel to the blazing flames of your anxieties, and never actually solve anything. Unless of course you are asking it for the number of that new pizza place, or looking to make a diaper order online.
For all medical and parenting advice, ask a flesh and blood human. Preferably a medical professional. Or someone who has had children. Trust your gut. You wouldn’t believe how reliable it actually is. Much more than Google.
6 – Sleep deprivation strips you of personality
You have never known sleep deprivation until you’ve had kids. No, that one week back in college does not come anywhere close.
Sleep deprivation will turn you into an automaton, completely devoid of all positive emotions, a lot of rationale, and will leave you feeling like an empty shell. It is temporary however. No one can tell you how long it will last. But it won’t last forever.
I wish I now had some sound advice on coping with sleep deprivation, but I don’t. Our minds and bodies simply need sleep, and not getting it pushes them over all kinds of edges.
Give yourself time, be patient with yourself, cut down your daily to do list, and limit it to “keep everyone alive and fed”. There will be superhuman days when you get dozens of things done while they are napping. But there will also be days when you cry on the bathroom floor, unable to get in the shower.
It’s all about balance, I think, so do your best to focus on the bits of joy every day is full of, and forget the worst of it as soon as you can.
I know that sounds completely useless, and you’re probably thinking “it’s easy for you to say, having gotten more than half an hour of sleep last night, who are you to tell me how to stay positive”.
And you are right – the only actual cure is time, but you’ll have to hold on a while for that.
7 – What was once embarrassing will become normal
If you, like me, thought the worst part about giving birth will be that strangers will see you naked, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
If you were worried about your husband’s reaction when he sees your once flat belly now adorned with a C-section scar, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
If you couldn’t have imagined going a week without washing your hair, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
8 – Kids are more like cats than like dogs
James came up with this comparison in the middle of an August night, as we were staring into the baby monitors, watching both of our girls sitting up in their respective beds, playing with an assortment of stuffed animals. I was probably about to lose it and rush in to make them go back to sleep, dammit.
I can still hear him now, repressing a giggle, as he’s holding my hand less out of any romantic sentiment, and more as a way of keeping me from leaping out of bed.
“See, Jules, kids are like cats. You can’t ever get them to do what you want them to be doing. They’ll just give you that look, and go about their business. Perhaps you’ll get a purr, but that’s about it. They are nothing like dogs, eager to please, ready to respond to every command.
And see, the good thing about that is that you were always more of a cat person than a dog person.”
9 – You can handle it
Even when you think you are about to throw in the towel. Even when you feel you have no idea what to do next. Even when your anxiety has reached completely new heights. Even no matter what.
You’ll surprise yourself a lot. You won’t even notice yourself doing something completely amazing for the very first time. You’ll overcome things you never thought you could handle. And then you won’t even stop to pat yourself on the back.
While you’re doing it, you’ll be freaking out a lot. But then one day, you’ll look at your partner looking at your kids, and you’ll think “wow, we did that”. And then it will all be worth it.
10 – It will be nothing like you thought it would be
Even if you believe you are being very realistic about the difficulties and challenges ahead. Even if you acknowledge all the ways in which your life is about to change.
No matter what you imagine parenting to be like, it won’t be anything like that. Mainly because your child will be so much more than you imagined them to be. People are never what we build them up to be in our heads. They have nuances and layers we never could have dreamt of.
Which is what makes the journey so much more thrilling.
Your Truth Here
Any truths of your own you would like to add to our list? Have you had that “aha” feeling, totally able to sympathize with our little whine?
Let us know what you wish others knew about parenting – we’d love to chat!
