When James and I first moved in together, I found him incredibly amusing.
He had these completely quirky (and clashing) habits. He’d scrub the sink every time he washed even a single mug. But he’d leave his socks next to the toilet every time he took a shower. He was a master at fridge tetris, but dusting never involved lifting a single item, merely dusting around it.
And I never knew how to handle this issue: do I tell him to pick up his socks, or praise him for doing the dishes? Is asking someone to pick up after themselves nagging? Why doesn’t he ever point out the things I don’t do well enough around the home (i.e. why does he never complain that I never empty the vacuum after using it)? Do men not nag?
Having had basically the exact same conversation with all of my girlfriends over the years, I sat down today to ponder about household chores and gender equality. Should men help out around the house? Do women need to learn how to fix a leaky faucet? Who gets up to feed the baby? And who should be cleaning out the litter box?
An Evolution in Equality
Let me preface all of this by saying that I am not a radical feminist. Nor do I hate men. Or women. I’d consider myself an everywoman (who is by no means trying to speak for every woman), one trying to enjoy life and raise good humans.
But I do need to briefly dive into the history of feminism.
Before women had the vote, before women had easy access to birth control, and before women had access to the job market, we can call their preoccupation with the home “natural”. It was simply the “accepted” way of the world. Women raised the kids, cooked and cleaned (sometimes for 18 hours a day, having no washing machines, microwaves or sometimes even regular access to running water), while the men worked.
However, when the pill was made widely available, women no longer had to bear so many children. And they were given access to a kind of education that was previously unheard of. They no longer needed to be financially supported by men.
As women started to spend less time in the home, that dreaded question has started to plague our relationships: should women still do everything around the house, bring home (a part of) the bacon, and raise the kids? And if yes, what does the man do? Don’t women get just as tired at work?
Some men seem to have an inborn (or indoctrinated) aversion to anything to do with the house or the baby. On the other hand, others will happily change diapers, cook dinner and do the laundry. What’s the difference between these men?
Personally (and I entirely base this statement on my own experiences), I believe that some men are simply more man than others. The more self assured they are, the less they will care about his and hers in life.
There’s also something to be said about upbringing, yet no strict rules apply. My own father cooked and cleaned when my mom was working 12-hour shifts in the hospital. And he never complained. On the other hand, James was raised by a stay-at-home mom, yet he never once came at me with a “that’s your job, not mine” worldview.
What is it then?
His vs. Hers
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that “men’s chores” are usually executed much less often. Washing the car, filling up the tank, chopping wood (?!), fixing things around the house, moving furniture, and all the similar tasks that we see as the guy’s job are only really done every so often.
And, being the lazy sods that we are (men and women both), we’d like everything to be done for us, as opposed to doing things ourselves. Who wouldn’t like to spend all of their free time watching TV, playing video games, scrolling through Instagram, having coffee with their friends?
On the other hand “women’s jobs” need to be done every day. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes: all of this is a daily task, and most of them aren’t actually all that much fun.
I’ve had men tell me “we’ll switch, sure thing, but you can’t fix the faucet” or “you can’t lift that”, or “you don’t know how to do that, while anyone can wash the dishes”.
The same goes for raising the kids: men who want to make up excuses for leaving all the heavy lifting to their partners have plenty to choose from. And, women being women (not all women, of course), they will take on everything, because it needs to get done.
It’s like Katie says to Ben in The Story of Us: someone has to be the grownup in the relationship. But then, when women choose to grow up, and men choose to stay children, a whole new avenue for domestics opens up, which is a whole other story.
What about the dishes though?
A Way Forward
The question we need to ask ourselves is this: is there a way for a man and a woman who live together to divide the household chores in a fair and sensible way?
The answer, naturally, is yes. Not one – several.
For starters, you can sit down and talk about what each of you actually likes doing, and what you absolutely dislike. Example: I love doing the dishes, hate doing the dusting. James likes doing the vacuuming, hates dealing with the laundry. This doesn’t mean a pile of dirty plates will be allowed to accumulate next to the sink if I’m not at home. It just means we have our own zones, and we stick to them.
You can also consider how much time each of you has available. You can consider who is feeling more refreshed and more in the mood for a given task at the given moment in time.
Of course, the prerequisite for success, as always, is a readiness to compromise, and a genuine belief that you are on each other’s side. If you are truly, honestly, 100% a team, then it’s never important who does the dishes more often and who never seems to pick up after the dogs.
When you are counting each other’s mistakes, when you are keeping score, trying to beat them to it or make the most of a certain situation – when you are looking out for yourself and not for the team – who hasn’t put their plate in the dishwasher will be the least of your worries.
The Equality Myth
I can just about imagine the rage this next statement might provoke. Yet I’m going to say it nevertheless.
Men and women aren’t actually equal. They haven’t been made the same, and they are simply different. That does by no means mean that men are better, or that women are better. There is no better – there is just different.
Most men will be better at certain things than most women. Most women will be able to handle other things better than most men. The sooner we all, men and women alike, accept who we are as individuals, not as members of a certain gender, the better our lives will become.
For instance, I am horrible at spatial navigation. Put me down in the middle of nowhere, I will never find my way home. And this is who I am, it has nothing to do with me being a woman.
James is the better cook. He just is, that’s what he is good at, and it doesn’t say anything about my level of femininity.
I can change a tire more efficiently. And again, that does not make James any less of a man. It’s simply who we are, as individuals, and as a couple.
When we are able to overcome all the gender stereotypes and cultural clashes that have been handed down to us through the generations, we’ll stop resenting each other, and perhaps find a way to stop wasting our mental processes on socks and crumbs, and focus our attention somewhere else.
Parting Words
I have no extra pearls of wisdom I can leave you with. I do have an exercise though.
Try to consider yourself, your partner and your relationship without any preconceived beliefs. Forget what you’ve been taught to think, and just consider what works for you as a couple. The conclusions you arrive at might just surprise you.
